Simple Steps to Seduction
by Timmesque
Summary: [SpikeFaye friendship] Male bounties are hard enough, but female? In order to catch the latest crook, Faye teaches Spike the art of ‘seduction’. [OOCness among other stuff]


**Simple Steps to Seduction**

**By Timberwolf220**

**Summary: Male bounties are hard enough, but female? In order to catch the latest crook, Faye teaches Spike the art of 'seduction'. **

**Pairings: None (Spike x Faye friendship/squabbling or whatever…)**

**A/N: oO the random things that pop up in one's head. Still on that Bebop high and I wondered why there were no female bounties. So this little thing was born and I'm sure at the end of this, everyone is going to have my head.**

**WARNINGS: OOCness. Trust me; they're REALLY out of character. In a funny way though. Ummm…slight swearing? And Spike-abuse (read on and you'll know what I mean) And a very weird twist that might disturb any virgin minds we have here. Though I don't think has any virgin minds. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here now, would you?**

**Disclaimer: If it isn't yours, do you really think it'll be mine? Didn't think so…**

**(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)**

"So what is the first thing you do when you come across a female bounty?" Faye said, tapping her nails against a checklist she found.

Spike twitched.

Faye's eyebrow rose upwards in sarcasm, "Oh yes Mr. Spiegel that's _really_ going to get the girls."

Spike threw his hands up in the air in frustration, "Remind me again as to _why _I'm doing this?"

Faye twitched this time and she placed a hand on her hips, "Because we have a _female _bounty this time and to lure her in, we need you!"

"Why can't Jet do it?" Spike grumbled. Faye counted to ten so that she didn't end up blowing her top at him and screaming her vocal chords dry (she had a tendency to do that around Spike. Face it, the guy's insufferable!).

"Because I know for a fact that chicks don't dig bald guys," Faye said in a matter-of-fact voice. Spike winced and fervently prayed Jet didn't hear that. It would be a major blow to his pride.

Also, (and Spike doesn't know how he got this idea in his head) but Jet seems to think he's the newest thing since male gigolos. And Spike simply didn't have it in him to crush his ideals (of course there is an ulterior motive such as Jet owns the ship and Jet can throw him out in zero gravity if he wanted to)

"What about Ed?" Spike said hopefully. A slim chance, but a chance nevertheless. The said person was currently decorating the Bebop with red and green streamers and Spike had been trying to explain to the kid that people don't celebrate Christmas in May.

No success there, I might add. Ed is simply THAT clueless.

Faye shook her head, "Ed is a GIRL," She said tartly ignoring Spike's wince and his mumbled apologies, "Sorry Spike, but you're the only option left."

"But why do I have to take lessons in seduction?" Spike said, "I've never had trouble roping in the girls before."

"Yes, but this one's a bounty. So she'll be tricky," Faye said, twirling the pen in her hand and scribbling some notes down, "So, back to the original conversation; what would you do if you came across a female in a bar?"

"Buy her a drink?" Spike said, forgoing his chances of ever getting out of this. Might as well get it done as quickly as possible.

"Good boy! You get a biscuit!" Faye said cheerfully and then frowning at the dead expression on Spike's face, "Or not. Geez, lighten up! It's not the end of the world."

"Of course not," Spike grumbled, "That would have been less painful."

Faye glared at him and then continued, "Okay. Stage one cleared. After buying her a drink, what would you do?"

"Get my gun out and catch her—,"

Faye took a moment to bash Spike on the head with her checklist. And those things can be hard.

"Ow!" Spike rubbed his head and suddenly very grateful for his thick green-black hair, "What did you that for?" He protested.

Faye huffed indignantly, "In my opinion, you got off easy. Tact is a virtue you know," She looked at him balefully and sighed, "This is going to take a while."

Spike said nothing, still nursing his injured head. Hard head, she thought, wanting to whack him again.

"Okay. Back on track," Faye said, casting a glare at Spike, "You don't pull out a gun in the bar because you don't know if she has cronies in there and they'll take your head off."

Spike gaped at her.

"What?"

"You said something mature!" Spike said in mock (or maybe _slight_ actual) horror, "Who are you and what have you done with the real Faye Valentine?"

Faye decided Spike hasn't suffered enough checklist abuse.

"I'm going to burn that thing later on," Spike grumbled, glaring at the checklist, "Burn, I tell you."

Faye sighed. Its times like these…

"Spike, answer me," And her tone seemed to say, 'mess-with-me-and-you-are-in-deep-shit-mister', "So you do what after the drink?"

Spike sighed, "Talk. Get friendly."

"Good. Then you put the moves on her," Faye said triumphantly.

Spike looked at her in puzzlement, "You mean, you want me to use Jeet Kune Do (1) on her?"

Count to ten Faye, she reminded himself, 1…2…6…10!

She whacked him with the checklist, eliciting another pained cry from Spike, "Are you actually gay or are you being smart!" She nearly screeched. The floor trembled.

Spike winced and scooted away.

Faye took in a deep breath, "When I mean 'moves' and I mean _moves._" She grounded out, her teeth clicking together.

Spike understood and said nothing, rubbing his head.

Faye spoke, "Then after putting the moves, you take her upstairs, after making sure that no one is following you, you put the handcuffs on her and—,"

"Chain her to the bed?"

**WHACK!**

No prizes for guessing what that was.

After that, Faye smirked, "And you arrest her and get the bounty. Simple?"

Spike lightly touched his injured head and winced when he touched a nasty bump, "With all the damage you've given me, I hope I at least understood that."

Faye nodded and an evil smiled blossomed on her face, "AND I get to pick the clothes you have to wear."

If he didn't need the money, if he didn't have a craving for good meat, if he didn't want to find Julia again, he would have taken his gun and 'Bang'.

(O)

"Oh my God Spike. Do you have any outfits that are not in BLUE?"

"I happen to like blue, you know."

"I'm sure, but there are so many colours!"

"Says the girl who barely has anything on most of the time."

**WHACK!**

"Damnit, are you trying to cause brain damage!"

"You've got to have a brain to do that."

"Real funny Faye."

"Yes, I thought so myself. Oooh look! You have a black suit."

"….That's a funeral suit."

"Damn. Oh, here's another one…Spike? Isn't this Vic—,"

"No, that's not mine and no, I don't know how that got there."

"Creepy. Ummm…what's this?"

"…That would be a clown suit."

"I'm starting to see why you only wear the blue suit."

"Hey, sometimes you need to disguise yourself in order to trap the bounty!"

"And the clown suit helped you catch five-year old juvenile delinquents?"

"...Shut up and keep looking."

(O)

So Spike entered the bar and watched all eyes center on him. He didn't blame him. The ensemble Faye put together made him feel like a taxi. He was wearing bright yellow with black pants and necktie. Comedy club, anyone? He avoided twitching and sat down quietly. There was a girl with brown hair with a slight dusting of bronze. That's her, he thought, time to move in.

"Hello there," Spike said smoothly, "Can I buy you a drink?"

The girl looked startled for a moment and shrugged, "Suit yourself. You're paying for it."

Spike twitching once more. He needed a cigarette, but Faye confiscated his packet ("Girls usually don't like smokers" She advised. "You smoke!" He retorted, angry at the loss of his prized cigarettes. "Yeah, well, there's only one Faye Valentine love"), and he was feeling rather testy today. However he put his best I'm-a-nice-guy face and said, "You look lonely."

The girl smirked, "I suppose I am. Nobody here is my crowd you know?"

Spike glanced around the bar. It was crowded to the brim with young boys trying to act cool and big muscle-headed bikers who prefer hanging out at bars. Spike twitched. He didn't blame her. This crowd certainly wasn't the best.

"How about me?" He gave his best smooth smile. She glanced at him and turned back to her drink, "Not interested," She said tartly.

Spike sweated and you could tell by the fingering of the collar, "But surely you're lonely tonight," He said, "I believe one of my 'friends' upstairs can help your problem."

The girl stood up and smiled at him, "Why not? I'm Barbara by the way."

"Spike," He shook her hand, and there was a feral smile on his face, "Now just go upstairs." He placed an arm around her waist ("Girls like a guy who takes action," Faye said. "No wonder you're still single" WHACK!) but she shrugged it off casually. Spike scratched his head, was she immune to his manly charm? ("What charm?" "Shut up Faye")

They proceeded upwards where they came across a dingy room. Spike grinned to himself. That was the room where Faye lay in ambush. He opened the door and gestured for her to enter, "Ladies first," He said gallantly.

Barbara walked in to see Faye standing in the center, a gun in hand.

"Got you Barbara," Faye smirked.

Barbara looked at Spike and looked at Faye again. Then a smile blossomed on her face as she hugged Spike, "How did you know? This is the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me!"

Spike and Faye looked at her with wide eyes.

"What?" Spike croaked finally.

"How did you know I was a lesbian! And getting a girl just for me," Barbara smiled at him, "If I wasn't gay, I would marry you and bear you many children."

…Okay…that was just _weird…_

"You're a lesbian?" Spike said slowly, large daggers suddenly taking aim at Faye who nervously raised her hands in apology.

"Yeah!" Barbara said cheerfully.

Then a truly evil smirk came on Spike's face. Faye started to edge towards the door, but Spike beat her to it.

"Tell you something Barbara," He said, still smirking at Faye, "Why don't you enjoy yourself tonight?" And as quick as lightning, he slammed the door and locked. He began whistling Julia's song as he walked down the stairs, ignoring the pounding on the door and Faye's shrieks.

(O)

"Umm…Spike?"

"Yes, Faye?"

"…I'm sorry?"

"Sorry doesn't quite cover it Faye."

"I'll never make you seduce someone again before checking their sexual preference again?"

"That's better."

And life went on, in the Bebop, just like it always has. Except Spike burned the checklist that made him lose many millions of brain cells and Faye never talked to another woman again before flinching and going into a coma.

(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)(O)

**A/N: I admit it. I am a complete and absolute pervert and I have a position in Hell reserved just for me. But, if you liked it in the slightest, you would do the nice reviewer thing to do and feed me with reviews. I am ashamed to say I can't live on anything else. Woe is me. **

…**But honestly, wasn't it funny?**

**Faye: Nope. **

**WHACK!**

**(1) Jeet Kune Do is the martial arts Spike practices. Not sure of spelling so don't kill me.**


End file.
